Splutters

A Short Play

by David Clemson and Charles Woodhouse

Written jointly in a 15 minute exercise in Iona on Angela Locke’s May 2019 Writers Retreat. Denis is named after David’s childhood cricket hero, Denis Compton (Middlesex and England) and Len after Charles’, Len Hutton (Yorkshire and England)

Selection Committee, Haltwhistle

Stage Direction
Denis knocks on Len’s door

Denis: Morning, Len.
Len: Morning, Denis. I have put the kettle on.

SD
Denis sits at kitchen table. Len makes pot of tea.

Len: We’ve got a real problem here, Denis. Saturday approaches and we still don’t have a team.
Denis: That’s right, Len, and Haydon Bridge are top of league.

SD
Men ponder and drink more tea.

Len: You don’t think they’d lend us a couple of players?

SD
Denis splutters and nearly spills tea.

Denis: Haydon Bridge! Them beggars wouldn’t give you time of day even if stood by church clock.

Len: Aye, you’re right. So what are we going to do?

SD
Men ponder and drink more tea.

Denis: Haltwhistle isn’t just up to much this season. But we could reach out a bit. What about asking help up at Alston and then over at Brampton?

Len: It’s a bit of a stretch but why not? I’ll ring Steve in the Post Office at Alston.
Denis: And I’ll ring Bert at the grocers at Brampton. Then we’ll see what we can do.

SD
Denis and Len sit back and enjoy rest of tea.

Denis: You know, Len, Haydon Bridge won’t know what’s hit ‘em. They’ll be stuffed.

SD
Curtain closes

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